I still can't believe it's been six months since the first and last time we met and we got to hold you. We should be taking too many pictures of you to send to your grandparents, aunts and uncles and we should be celebrating all your baby achievements. Most of all, you know how excited I was to be able to give you actual food so we could explore all the flavours of life together... This all should be happening this month.
Instead here we are in an Olivia-less world that at times seems rather pointless. As promised, I went to your bench and stayed there for a while just thinking about all the what ifs and looking back at the last six months of my life. The quote for today's flowers was amazing:
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering, 'I will try again tomorrow.'”Mary Anne Radmacher
So Pichona mía, what have I actually managed to achieve in the last six months since we last met?
I've managed to watch quite terrible TV shows to make sure hours are actually going by whilst I've masterfully finished two cross stitch things and going strong on the third one. As you know your Papi sometimes travels for work, well we managed to visit eight countries and 11 cities which has been quite a nice thing to do. We always brought your little pillow and Osi with us so we were never too far apart.
In the last six months I have mastered the art of fake living and surviving, my most dreaded question is "How are you?" because nothing ever seems right to answer that will truly say how am I for the rest of our life. But, I've gotten very good at replying anything and moving on from a question that might seem so innocent but that feels daunting to me. I have shared you with a few people that have asked me if I have any children and I'm extremely proud to say that I've managed to tell them about you without breaking down for days.
I'm sure you can see and feel us from wherever you are, so you clearly know what's going on in our lives. Your Papi and I are as ok as we can be, some days are good, some days are bad and some days are quite horrible... But so is life, no? You'll be glad to know that I am very good at not holding grudges as much as I used to thanks to you. A lot of people have said very wrong things and I have actually let go, forgive and forget. No, not all friendships will ever be the same, but moments like this show you people's true colors and whilst many things will change, I don't hate anyone, and like we say in Venezuela: Puedo llevar la fiesta en paz.
We miss you SO much Olivia, not a second goes by when I don't think I'll give anything to be together or even hold you a little bit longer...
I wanted to tell you all this great things that I would hope to have achieved in the last six months Pichona, but I'm sorry to disappoint... No, I didn't manage to get my UK driver's license how I said I would when we discussed what I would do during my maternity leave, and I don't think I'll be running 12 half marathons like we planned anytime soon.
But... and I know you are not supposed to start a sentence like this... We have managed to stay alive, and whilst it sounds obvious, it has been extremely challenging at times. I know you will be proud of us for this, but most of all be proud of the fact that in the last six months we have actually managed to smile and even laughed until we cry. It has been harder than ever, but we have been able to see some beauty and life and I think your Papi is able to stop and enjoy the little things more than before. For my part, I've become even more obsessed with nature and the sky. So Hijita amada, we are surviving and smiling because it would be unfair that we got to stay and we didn't try to at least make the most of our time on earth for you.
One last thought before I go... Saying hello and goodbye has been and I hope that it will be the hardest thing we will ever have to go through in life. But, know this: I will do it all over again even if I'd known the outcome from the beginning just for that moment when I got to hold you and finally meet you. I've been painfully aware lately that not all parents get a chance to meet their babies, so I am counting my blessings, even in the middle of quite the shit storm.
The memories and feelings from those hours with you will have to last me this lifetime and I will relive them as often as I need to so they can keep me going until we meet again.
Te amo más que ayer y menos que mañana