Capture Your Grief - Day 14. Beliefs + Spirituality

I'm finding it a bit hard to think about this topic when life, as I understood it, just came crashing down. I'm a Catholic and I even wanted to be a nun after watching The Sound of Music when I was little; but I've had a few issue with the church as an institution in many moments in life. I, however, have never had an issue or a doubt in God.

That being said, I have a BIG issue with people trying to make me swallow the God that they believe in whilst I deal with the fact that Olivia is most likely with him and not with me. I do believe that God works in mysterious ways and like my abuelita used to say, "Dios escribe derecho con letras torcidas" - "God writes straight with crooked letters" but none of those things apply here or give any comfort. I like to think of God as any other dad, one that dedicates his life to making the best for their children but equally, one that makes mistakes (Olivia dying being one of them). I feel is frankly outrageous that people tell me to trust God's perfect plan and that everything happens for a reason: ARE YOU INSANE!? No, there is nothing perfect about what's happening here and there is never going to be a good enough reason.

I still love and believe in God with unwavering faith, but I think he messed up here and like any unconditional love, he knows I still love him and that it will take time for me to forgive him and maybe I'll always hold a bit of a grudge. But that is ok, he knows that and I know that.

I've never seen sunflowers in a church, until we went to the Reims cathedral a few weeks ago for a beautiful mass and there she was, Olivia saying hello.