Day 12: Sing your favourite song out loud

This one is a special one, not only do I LOVE this activity (no, I don’t sing great but it makes me SO happy that I feel like Adele on a stage!), but I also have an extra connection to the mother and daughter from today.

England has something called NCT (national childbirth trust), and when someone is pregnant you have the chance to attend classes with other similar due date parents, to “prepare for the birth”. I see it as buying a very expensive lottery ticket hoping that you like the group you have and that you can go through everything together. We met Louise and Gavin there. We attended all our classes, asked all the questions, did all the (now I see them as useless) games of “put a diaper on the baby” and, in the most insane twist of events, both of our daughters passed away.

I remember seeing Louise a few weeks after Olivia died, and maybe a week before Pip. Four of my “almost same due date” friends and I, sitting on a table outside. They all had their babies still in their bellies and mine was empty. My sister Bea walked me to meet them as I was terrified, she said to call her if I needed her to come pick me up. Weirdly, I felt fine around them, I felt a bit normal and like I could still hold on to the last thread of what my life was supposed to have been if Olivia had lived. Louise looked amazing and complained about the heat (it was indeed insanely hot) and she said she was so so ready. The next thing I heard is that Louise went to the hospital in labour and went back home without her much awaited and loved Pip. A few weeks went by before we saw each other, but I think she told me they had put up some bunting that said “Welcome Home Pip!” When they left for the hospital… talk about being surprised by that punch in the face.

I want to make space here to make a complaint to the NCT, as our teacher (who subsequently disappeared after we emailed her telling her the news about Pip and Olivia), NEVER covered this possibility in all the hours of preparation she gave us. She told us about babies having their cords around their necks and when I asked if they could die of this, she said NOOOOO, midwives can take the cord out in seconds. She then said that in all her years she might have heard of maybe one case of things going wrong. ONE. Hate to break it to you Debs, but your stats don’t seem to match up. Louise put a lot of effort and wrote a beautiful email to her breaking the news. Silence. Absolutely no answer whatsoever. We chased, and nothing. This teacher lived local to me until January when we moved and I actually ran into her a few times. I felt like I was going to vomit the first time I saw her and I literally hid in bushes because I was embarrassed that my baby had died, we emailed her and she didn't reply. I messaged Louise about this encounter and, being the calm and loving individual that she is, she helped me get perspective and get out of that bush. I ran into her many times and I even stared at her waiting for her to recognise me and say something. Nothing. Literally as if we never met. I know she must have given hundreds of courses and even though I’m pretty epic, I’m also forgettable. But, how can you forget 2 people whose babies died that only a few weeks ago were attending your courses? Seriously, if it wasn’t for Louise’s perspective, I would’ve stayed hidden for much longer not understanding that it’s not me who should be embarrassed. 

I digress, this is about Louise and her amazing daughter Pip! On August 2nd 2016, we had Olivia’s service and almost all of my NCT friends attended (I did hit the lottery with a few, and they are pretty awesome). I remember exactly where Louise and Gavin were seated and when I stood there to read my speech, I remember seeing Louise cry and I thought: she gets it… How insane is it that she actually gets everything that I’m going through?

Pip is buried in the cemetery close to the hospital, so every time I had an appointment to talk about something regarding Olivia, I went to visit her. Every time we went for bereavement therapy there, I always went and spoke to Pip for a while. Olivia is buried in France and we do have the bench, but having Pip’s beautiful place (Louise is a secret landscape artist) made such a big difference to my life. Gavin and Louise have given such a wonderful home away from home to Pip, that I would encourage everyone in the area to go visit (beware of the hungry and fearless squirrels!).

When I asked Louise about the activity, she said “I used to love singing to Pip, but I guess that's a bit obvious?”... “I'm a terrible singer, but never mind. Life's too short to care too much about these things.” - I love this thought and I couldn’t agree more. Although, weirdly I think she’s lying and she has an angelic voice and is just trying to make me feel good. I sang all day, I had toys, spoons, markers and everything in my way as a microphone. I hope you all gave yourself the time to be on your own stage and sing out loud as if the entire world was cheering and watching!