Day 22: Practice positive affirmations

Jackie and I met when I started working at Google in 2015, we didn’t work together but she was always super nice and had the cutest puppy I had seen (Winnie, she’s no longer a puppy but still comes to visit the office!). Jackie is one of those people who is effortlessly cool, she is very practical, super fun and things feel fun when she’s around. As I said, we never worked together or shared much besides me wanting to hang out with Winnie and her being the super nice person she always has been.

When I came back from mat leave with Olivia Jackie was always kind and nice and while we still weren’t close friends, we were always happy to be around each other and she gave me great work advice. When I came back from Eloise’s mat leave in early 2019, Jackie was about to go on one of her own to give birth to her amazing son Theo. I wasn’t happy in my role and after a chain of very fortunate events, I ended up doing Jackie’s mat cover and then stayed as part of that team. Fast forward three years after and we finally have been working together (we sit beside each other) and have now finally become friends. It was this friendship that gave me the privilege of knowing Jackie’s stories and the reason I’m able to share them with you, in Jackie’s own words:

“I had various relatively common health issues from my 20s (ovarian cysts, pre-cancerous cells on cervix) that made me, like many women, wonder if I'd have a hard time getting pregnant. But lo and behold, when Harry and I decided to have kids, Theo was conceived on the first try and I had a pretty smooth pregnancy as well. When we decided we'd like to try for a second, I knew it may not be as easy, but had no idea what a tough road we had ahead. Within 3 months of trying, I was pregnant, just before Theo's 2nd birthday. Early on, I had a very clear and funny feeling that something wasn't right, and when my symptoms went away at 8 weeks, I really felt something was wrong. Everyone I told, including my midwife, reassured me it was all OK and that I had no reason to worry, but then sure enough around 11 weeks I had a scan, and there was no heartbeat. the baby had stopped growing right around 8 weeks. i was devastated, and had to have an MVA procedure to manage the miscarriage. After my body got back to normal 6 weeks later, we started to try again and got pregnant again. I miscarried again within a week. I called the GP and they reassured me that 2 miscarriages is still considered "normal" and I was told to keep trying. So we did, and a few months later got pregnant again. I went for an earlier 8 week scan this time, and once again, there was no viable pregnancy. I had to have the MVA procedure again. Even though I knew what to expect with the procedure, everything was harder that time - it was even physically more painful. I had spent 20+ weeks that year being pregnant. The stop starts were mentally very hard. I proceeded to get some blood tests through the NHS which all came back normal, so I proceeded to go to a private clinic and had more extensive testing. They found I had high levels of NK cells and also a risk of thrombophilia, so I started some treatment. The NHS then came back 12 weeks later to say that the pregnancy tissue they tested from my 3rd miscarriage had chromosomal abnormalities, which explains why the pregnancy didn't continue. Even though the drs said the tissue only explains the 3rd miscarriage and that the test results aren't definitely why I miscarried the other times, I feel lucky I got any clarity at all, as many people never get that. I also had a wonderful doctor who was so positive, and said things to me like, "WHEN you have another baby, because you will...". I realized how powerful positive thinking and affirmations could be. 5 months later, I did get pregnant again, and this time I have made it through to 22 weeks so far. Because of the thrombophilia, I have to inject my stomach with meds every day of the pregnancy until I deliver, but in my mind that is a very small price to pay for what I now realize so clearly is a miracle for any family - to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.”
I want to follow up on something that I’ve written about before, after sharing her story, she followed up with “I don't want to sound like it even scratches the surface of losing an actual baby, because it doesn't. but it was my journey in case it can help anyone xx” As I said to her and to many other friends: Don’t do this to yourselves. As humans, we need to start validating our feelings and experiences and stop minimising them because of someone else’s reality. We all go through bad times and our reality is truly the one we need to hold a mirror at and we need to go through it respecting and honouring ourselves. Jackie fell in love the second she knew she was pregnant, she started daydreaming right there and then and all those hopes and dreams came crashing each time she lost a much loved and wanted baby. None of those feelings are made less hard regardless of what happens to someone else. Let’s love and hold us like we do the people we love.