Day 25: Watch one of your favourite films and take time for yourself

I met Natalie during my first or second support group meeting for Sands. Even before she spoke, I was drawn to her and I just wanted to hug her. She reminded me so much of my cousin, one of my favourite people on earth. Natalie stayed silent most of the meeting and her eyes were intensely sad, I guess all of ours were; but there was something else about Natalie. She is the youngest in our Awesome Mums group, and wise beyond her years. I feel weirdly protective over Natalie, maybe it's because I see her as my baby cousin, maybe because I can’t imagine being able to cope with everything we’ve been through when I was 20, or maybe it's simply because we recognise each other’s pain and we are linked somehow.

Natalie wanted to take part in the calendar from the beginning, but I could feel the hesitation in sharing Lyla with the world. It turns out she never had written something and shared it with the world. I can feel how that is hard, I’ve been openly sharing Olivia for almost 6 years and it’s still hard and I still have so many feelings I’m too scared to share. So, welcome my dear very brave friend Natalie, as she shares her story, for the very first time:

“I fell pregnant with Lyla in 2015 when I was 20. My pregnancy and labour with her was very difficult and traumatic and to this day I still struggle to talk about and to deal with mentally. I was rushed into hospital on the evening of Thursday 25th February 2016. I was in labour and losing a lot of blood. There was so much noise and beeping, sounds of midwives, doctors, bright lights. I didn't know what was about to happen. I remember the face of the doctor who looked me in the eyes and said "your baby doesn't have a heartbeat" I was in so much pain I didn't take it in at this point. I tried to get off the bed. Lyla was born full term on the 25th February 2016 at 9:30pm. I was in labour for a long time and then had to go into theatre because my placenta was stuck. I was so close to having a blood transfusion because of the amount of blood I lost. It was the worst day of my life but also the day my beautiful daughter was born. She was and is perfect. We stayed in the hospital with her for two days in a butterfly suite. I was incredibly weak but those two days meant the world to me. I'll never forget holding her, cuddling her, the feel of her soft skin, her warmth and telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. We then kept going back to see her until her day.

We were asked whether we wanted a post mortem and we made the decision not to. I just wanted her to be left as she was. I still to this day think about whether that was the right decision. The doctors said that her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. That's something I will never know,  why did that happen, why did she have to die. I blamed myself for a long time and something I've worked on through therapy.  Those thoughts haven't gone away, they're still there and at times they take over and others they don't. I feel, as her mum, I couldn't protect her, I couldn't keep her safe and that breaks me everyday. It was out of my control. As I look back at my pregnancy with Lyla, I'll be honest and I've only told a few people how I felt because I've been scared of the reaction. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy and looking back I fell into a depression. I felt incredibly low and felt like I had no one to turn to even though I had so many people around me. Why did I feel like that? Surely pregnancy is meant to be a happy joyful time. This was the same throughout my subsequent pregnancies with Lyla's little sister and brother. I didn't enjoy my pregnancies, mentally I didn't cope well. There were little snippets, one of them being music, I enjoyed listening to music when I was pregnant with them all and seeing/feeling them move when the music was on. I get comfort from that, knowing that they share that together. The special connection they have together as siblings while growing in my belly. 

Butterflies are what connects me to Lyla because of the room we stayed in was a butterfly suite. I've always loved butterflies but now they are that extra special to me. When I see them I think she's coming to say hello or to check up on me. On Lyla's day everyone wore a pink glittery butterfly. Over these last 6 years it has been incredibly hard and still is. A pain that never goes away. I struggle everyday with anxiety and ptsd and I've had therapy to help me with that because it got to a stage where it was so difficult to get through my day. Some days are harder than others. I've  accepted that it is a part of me now but it doesn't define me. I just wish everyday she was here. I believe that she is, just not the way I want her to be. She's in everything I do now. I'm forever grateful she chose me to be her mummy and for what she's shown and done for me. On the day we were discharged from hospital I put one of my favourite Disney films on, Lilo and Stitch, and I sobbed. A quote from the film is: ‘Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten’. That will always be with me and is something I go by. Family is so important. Lyla is a big sister to her little sister Faye and little brother Kai. I believe she brought them to me. They know about their big sister and Faye now talks about her. Lyla has her own special cabinet at home and I buy things for her so that she is always included. It brings me some sort of comfort, because it wouldn't feel right if I didn't include her. Another tradition we do for Lyla now is that she has her own money pot where we put money in each month up until her birthday and we then donate all the money to a charity on her birthday in memory of her. That's all I can do for her. She will always be included because she is and always will be a part of our family. My eldest daughter, the perfect little girl who made me a mum. 

Thank you princess for bringing Faye and Kai to me and for showing me that it's ok to not be ok but most of all giving me the best title in the whole world "mummy". 

I love you and miss you so much forever and always. My little butterfly 🦋”