Finding time to write during June has been harder than anticipated, and as I was telling Rory's mum today (Jayne), I feel very guilty about that. I've wanted to write daily as I truly have so much to say and share about this month last year, but life, work and grief get in the way and I just find myself with less time to be with Olivia in this way. You know how when a living child is sick their parents have to leave work early to spend time with them and take care of things? I wish it was that simple for me to carve out Olivia time to just write and write about her, or just rock up to her bench. Don't get me wrong, I have Olivia time every second of my day, but I hope you know what I mean about truly having time to do something as simple and fulfilling as writing something here.
Today's calendar task is to tell someone about Olivia, and I told three people this morning and I'm also planning on writing a letter to our lovely neighbour. But above all, I decided I wanted to publicly share more about my epic Olivia. The weeks after she was born were a blur and between the bad news of our pictures "not working" and the constant reminder that we were Olivia-less, there are certainly more things I'd love to forget than to remember. During those days I wrote a lot about all the things I wanted to remember: The amazing pregnancy I had, the entire labour process as viewed through my eyes and, most importantly, the hours we had with Olivia.
I want to share a few things I wrote in those days about Olivia and what I remembered from those perfect hours. Unfortunately for some, it's very much in Spanglish (more Spanish than English) therefore it might be a bit confusing for some; but I hope you can understand it...
"Tu carita es la cosa más bella que jamás vi, tu barbilla redondita y perfecta (pensé que tenías una verruguita pero después me di cuenta que era un blister), tu papi muy orgullosamente decía que eras igualita a mi because we had the same lips and nariz (perdón por la nariz!) pero yes, everything looks perfect on you so your naricita was the cuttest naricita de la vida entera y tu boquita Chanel (patentado por tu papi y gozado por tu tía Bl) was indeed like the pronounced top of mine... Tus cachetes que tanto esperé to squeeze were indeed THE BEST cachetes del mundo and I just wish I could kiss them non stop (sorry if I would've been an overbearing mami que te da too much affection like Elvira en Animaniacs!). I keep wanting to write more about your face pero I can't stop thinking about your piecitos, aaaaay esos piecitos! I unfortunately didn't see them as much porque te pusimos mediecitas y me daba miedo moverte algo - Pero I have that image in my mind and I, again, want to just bite you and make you laugh saying fuchi at your mini lanchitas (si gordita, también sacaste eso de mi... unas patotas GIGANTES!) pero on the plus side, we would've been able to share shoes! Then there was your hands.... I still don't know why I'm so hung up on your hands pero I am and having your deditos grabbing my right index dedo gives me all the security in the world, as if you are protecting me and calming me down (I know its supposed to be the other way around pero YOU made me feel safe and that everything was ok as long as you were holding my dedito con your deditos). Tus ojitos estaban como pegados so I was scared of moving you mucho pero the way you looked after with your sombrerito was awesome and a bit of, like I told your papi, a RBF (resting bitch face) perdón por el insulto y grosería gordi! pero si, you were making a brava face and, as I've said muchas veces already, you would've never taken shit from people and I'm certain que you would've ruled the world in your sleep and nobody was ready for so much power!..."
There you have it world, a little insight into Olivia from my eyes on the hours that we were together.