Day 8: Go outside for a walk in a peaceful spot

I’m scared of the internet and social media’s lack of accountability. I’m truly worried about the damage that can be done to people from a computer and for the culprit to get away because they can’t be traced. I’ve often wondered if social media is worth it at all, when I see people’s mental health suffering from constant comparisons with someone else’s social media life. Meeting Amanda and Ryan made me believe, for the first time, that social media also has the incredible power to bring people together. In a parallel universe, Amanda and I met each other somehow and Ryan and Olivia are great friends on earth. I know this happens somewhere somehow.

In September 2016, the day that Ryan would’ve turned one, I finally reached out to Amanda. I congratulated her for Ryan’s one year birthday and then wrote: “We don't know each other, but I've been wanting to reach out to you for a bit now but I never sat down and started the e-mail as I frankly didn't know what t say and writing certain things down for the first time actually scares me. But today is Ryan's birthday and I thought I'd contribute to his celebration by sharing my story with you and telling you how much of an impact you and Ryan have had on me.”… “You my friend, have given me hope and a bit of excitement about the future. You have also given me what I'm calling "accompanied sadness"; when I've been at some low points, you keep me from sometimes going to the deep end - THANK YOU! In the days and weeks that followed I read every post you published, I even "saved" some for times when I knew I would need to feel like I wasn't alone - Like the first plane we took without Olivia, where I had her pillow inside my shirt, Pierre's hand on one side and my phone with your words on the other.”

Amanda and Ryan are the reason why I started sharing Olivia so openly and the inspiration behind my website. Amanda gave me words when I wasn’t able to speak or write, I simply sent a link to one of her posts and people could know what I was feeling and thinking. She gave me company when I was feeling things I wasn’t brave enough to say out loud because they even scared me. Amanda and Ryan did this before we even “met” that September six years ago. We are now very much in each other’s life and we will 100% meet at some point in the future. In the meantime, we keep in touch, celebrate all our kids and constantly get winks from both Ryan and Olivia that they do indeed are epic friends in Magic land. 

This is their story:

“On the morning of September 6th 2015, after 9 months of a textbook, happy, healthy pregnancy, just one day before we were due to meet each other face to face, Ryan didn't wake me with a kick in the belly, or greet a few pokes and prods. I knew something wasn't right. But I didn't believe it. An hour or so later, and ultrasound confirmed what I couldn't even begin to believe. He had died. And now it was my job to still bring him into the world. My fears and dread about delivering a stillborn baby were unfounded. It was and is the single most amazing thing I have ever done. He was cleaned and swaddled like any baby would be. And placed in his mama's arms. I stared down at him with so much pride I can still feel the swell in my chest at the memory. He was sleeping. He was an angel. And he was our baby. We created him. I carried him. And we love him as much as either of his siblings we've since raised on this earth. We had few precious hours with him and very few answers about what went wrong. Most likely a lack of fluid. Something had happened between my last ultrasound a few weeks before, my last OB appointment a few days before, and this day, to make him stop producing fluid. He had a bowel movement, and very likely suffocated. But there was no certainty. And we opted for no autopsy. All I knew was that his body was quickly changing and I knew he couldn't take much more of our holding on to him. He got to meet his grandparents and one of his aunts. And we got to have him dressed in clothes we lovingly picked out for him the day we found out he was our baby boy. And then we had to give him back.

The days and weeks that followed are simultaneously the most vivid and blurry memories of my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms. Making his final arrangements. A stream of visitors to the house. Laying Ryan to rest. Having my husband head back to work. Putting away some Ryan's things we had set up around the house. Dealing with the silence of a baby-less home. I didn't understand how you recovered from this. I only saw the darkness that had come into our lives. I didn't want to see light. Time, however, has provided enough distance to help me gain some perspective. This certainly marked the end of life "before." But it began something new. This "after" life. It's not necessarily a new chapter. But more of a new book. Same characters. New challenges. I didn't know that 9 incredible months of pregnancy could end with such heartbreak. But I do know those 9 months made me a mom. Those 9 months made me happier than I've ever been. And in the time since losing Ryan I've found strength I didn't know I could have. I've found love for my husband deeper than I ever could have expected even if we were together 100 years. And I've found, on the good days, hope for more good days to come. I see bits of Ryan in the siblings that came after him -- pieces of a boy we didn't get to know. Those siblings are proof that Ryan was not where my story ends. He is where it all began.