Day 9: Lie down outside & look straight up at the sky. Let yourself get lost in it

This morning Caroline and I were texting and I said to her: “Writing about so many of us has been amazing and heartbreaking. I was reading our messages in the early days of Awesome Mums when it was just us. I don’t think I would’ve been able to do life without all of you. Seriously, how can anyone do it without a safe space or people!!??” Reading those early messages was impressive. I started that Whatsapp group on the 17th of September 2016. We had known each other for a while whenever we went to support meetings and we always wanted more. I knew I needed to be in constant contact with that group of women, where I knew I could say it all and nothing would be perceived as too dark or ugly, we all just understood each other, even when all our losses were different and our backgrounds even more so. I really hope whatever hardship people go through, they always have someone where they know no judgement or questions will come, just empathy, love and understanding that sometimes things are just crap and there is nothing you can do except be there for one another.

Caroline's story is the second one that will show you the harrowing face of termination for medical reasons (TFMR) and I want to reiterate that you are welcome here if you can show up with an open heart and free of judgement. 

In 2016, Caroline was happily pregnant, her daughter Lottie was eagerly waiting for the arrival of her little brother Charlie, and everything was great. At the 20 week scan, a scenario that hadn’t crossed their minds became their new reality, Charlie had a condition that would make his life extremely challenging to live and he would suffer more than live a plentiful life. They asked questions and processed all the information and  they decided that the kindest and hardest thing to do was to let Charlie go with as much peace and love as possible. 

Caroline was induced and she delivered her amazing son as masterfully as she does everything in life. Charlie was as perfect as she imagined and Caroline was able to hold her son and give him only love and make him feel safe because she was with him his entire life. That’s one thing that always gives me comfort, the idea that Charlie and Olivia only ever felt love and protection from us. Caroline did the ultimate protecting here, and broke her own heart for the benefit of her son. This is what mothers do every day, put their kids above all. 

I think I remember Caroline once saying that early in our support groups she felt a time or 2 that she didn’t quite fit in because our circumstances were quite different. That idea felt so insane to me, that my friend and sister in the trenches would feel anything other than welcomed, loved and supported. I guess that’s the thing with pregnancy loss as a whole, we are never really seen as the same as other mothers who have lost children when they are older. Our hearts are broken, our dreams taken away and we are not interested in measuring how our pain looks against someone else’s. I was told many times: “at least she wasn’t born”, “at least it happened when you were pregnant” and one time I said to someone that my first daughter had died and they asked how old was she and I said I was 37 weeks pregnant, the person then said: aaaaahhh, okeeeey. As if it was fine now. It's never fine and trying to minimise someone’s pain because of someone else’s circumstances is pointless and plain mean. I’ve spoken to many mums who have lost older children and none of them ever made me feel like we were not two bereaved mothers trying to keep living. You know who did? People who have their children here. If you ever tried to do an at least moment, even if it came from a good place, please stop.

Now, if I have felt this way so many times, I can’t imagine the horrors felt by parents that had to make the decision to terminate their pregnancies. Caroline and I celebrate our children the same way, we love them and miss them as forcefully, we talk about them and they are as much a part of our families as their siblings. 

There is a point I want to make besides telling Caroline and Charlie I love them, and that is to bring awareness and ask everyone to be kinder. It doesn’t matter what I think is better or worse in a certain circumstance, unless it is my own. If you encounter someone struggling, see them where they are at and give them the love, space and respect that you would like to have.