Today we are free to write about whatever we want, trying to focus on what we would like the world to know about our grief. I don't think it's a good idea to give me freedom of speech, I like the idea of Capture Your Grief in part because of the structure it gives me. But, as I really want to stick with this as much as I can, I will write.
Remember me? I'm the annoyingly positive person you met 33.5 years ago! I hope everything is great with you. As you know, things are the worst they can be for me at the moment and the thing is, this moment will never end. I need you to know that I am the same person in essence that I've always been, but I am also drastically changed forever since my daughter Olivia passed away. Like you, I miss me, the old me that would make a "coca-cola" smile for pictures and who would always try to make people smile. I miss the confident me who would not shake at uncertainty because I truly thought I always had a fighting chance at whatever you threw at me. I now find myself almost timid about new situations and my happiness and smiles are no longer second nature, they are a choice and an actual effort I have to make every second I'm alive. I hope you see that I'm truly trying my best and I hope you understand the days where Olivia's absence is too much and I just can't put on the happy or surviving face on.
Dear World, I know you'd like to take my pain away because you understand that no mother should have to go through losing their child, but understand that you unfortunately can't. One thing I do ask you is to please be kind and please stop telling me that I can have other children as it is one of the most hurtful and disrespectful thing to say to a grieving mother, as no child is replaceable. Just think about it this way my dear dear World, you have children... Which one of them could you live without? Not only that, please stop making assumptions about my life, my future and what I can or cannot do. Understand that if and when I'm lucky enough to have more children, Olivia will still be dead but she will be never forgotten and if anything I will love her more fiercely with each breath taken. Remember that I didn't only lose my baby girl, I lost my toddler, seeing her doing ballet if she wanted to, I will miss out on having a best friend and someone that will be instantly comforted when I'm in the room, just like I am when my mom is with me. I will miss out on her first party, her first love and broken heart and all the birthdays, Christmases and mother's day that never will. So please, don't tell me I can have more children, because that doesn't change that Olivia is not here and it makes me think that you don't understand the pain I will feel forever.
I don't want to end my letter on a sour note my Dear World, so I want to thank you for everything amazing that you have given me and continue to do so. Thank you for my family, friends and even strangers that have reached out and supported me and Pierre; I know they will continue to do so for as long as they can. Lastly, thank you for giving me the chance to meet my daughter and hold her for hours even if she was gone already; I know that not all mothers get that chance, so THANK YOU for making me a few of the lucky ones who did.
PS: Please remember to light a candle for Olivia and her friends this Saturday 15th of October at 7pm (your time) and leave it burning for at least one hour. The idea is that we will create a continuous #waveoflight to commemorate all baby's gone too soon and to spare a thought for all the families that miss them so much.