Capture Your Grief - Day 24. Consciously Becoming

This topic seems to be very much about a before and after Olivia and this is a subject that I battle with every single second I'm alive... This is not the way "after Olivia" should look like and I refuse to accept this reality almost every day. The questions we get ask about this are:

Who were you before your children died? I was happy! I was a controlling person who loved my family and friends deeply and who looked for the beauty in everything. I was a glass half full kind of person who refused to be sucked by darkness and who would have happy as the default setting. Don't get me wrong, I was also a judgemental woman who loved to talk smack about random people just because it's fun. Above all, I was and am a nice person. I was a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a wife and a friend.

Who are you now? I think I am, in essence, the same person but (as I've said before), I have been changed to the core and most of it, I hate. I am still a happy and glass half full kind of person; only now I have to fight for that because I just don't believe it. My glass is definitely empty and there are no drops to hang on to... But, I imagine there are and I hold on to them until I think I'm going a bit crazy... Just because I NEED to hold on to that happy side of life. I am less judgemental, because you just don't know what other people have had on their plate; and whilst that doesn't mean bad things give you carte blanche to be a bitch, it does mean that I understand... and that I need to cut you some slack. I still fight to be nice and happy, it's just much much harder now and before things just happened naturally.

Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? Yes, just ask any mother who has outlived a child. In my case, I don't trust logic anymore and I surely don't trust my body and all the amazing things its supposed to be built for. My new life motto (and truly honest point of view) is: if you put water in the freezer, it won't turn into ice.

How are you different now? My default setting is sad, but I fight every second to battle that and be happy; just because that's the person Olivia chose to be her mother.

Do you love anything about the new you? Not yet.

Do you want and old part of you back? Yes! I want to be able to trust again, I want to look forward to life and not be terrified that Pierre might get killed crossing the street. I want innocence and eagerness to live life and enjoy everything with pure joy.

Who are you becoming? In theory I know I am a mother, but sometimes I don't believe it myself. So, I'm actively working towards believing I am a mother. As my friend and fellow Awesome Mum Sonali wrote once: "We are perhaps the selfless type of mother that loves so deeply, honours their baby but never gets any of the rewards such as cuddles or smiles. Maybe that's a bit smug but also accurate"  - So, I became a mother thanks to Olivia, and I am working towards believing it myself.