Let me start this post by saying that today I'm having a crap day... Last year I was running the NYC Marathon with Olivia and this year I have walked less then 200 steps and just forced myself to get dressed (3pm) because I have to pick up the plaque for the bench and a close friend is visiting us later. So, apologies if my post doesn't come through bright and hopeful, I have none of that in me today...
I am normally very good at self-care, I eat right, exercise a lot because it's my stress releaser and I always make sure to invest in some me time and some us time for me and Pierre. I don't have low self-esteem and have alway been quite fond of the person I am so I take care of me. So yes, I'm good at self-care and love the Whole-Foods tag line that says "treat your body (and mind) like it belongs to a person you love" and I normally try to live by it.
I am also my harshest critic and I hold a grudge like few people can (that is one thing I have ALWAYS wanted to change and I actively work towards doing so) specially when it comes to something I did. Our bodies are supposed to be wise and we are supposed to know best because we are mothers... well, my body killed my baby and nothing changed even though I did receive all the hints and went to the hospital. So no, I have no self compassion at the moment. I know and believe all the lines of: there's nothing anyone could've done, it's not my fault, I did everything I was supposed to, etc. But knowing that doesn't change the fact that it was my body that created and stopped Olivia's life and I don't forgive myself for that.
I will definitely try to let go of the grudge, but dear body and mind of mine, please understand this place we are in and know that I love you, but I also hate you... You literally broke my heart and even though I will try to glue it back together it will forever be changed and sometimes break again (glue is not strong enough). Dear heart, I'm sorry that you are all messed up and that even at the best of times, you will always have the hole of Olivia's missing piece.